I’ve been struggling with writing for over a week now. I’d start to write something and then halfway through, I would stop. There has always been some sort of distraction. Right now, it’s two grown-ass men just yelling at each other. I’ve also been ill and emotionally down for a while. I haven’t been on social media like I would. It’s not like I talk to a lot of people but I haven’t spoken to a lot of people in a while. I just really wanted that time away. I haven’t gotten it the exact way I want it though, mainly because I have to work and I need to communicate to an extent.
When I write half-hearted or with distractions, I feel like certain readers can tell and so I don’t like to do that. I can’t explain everything that has been bothering me because I’ve not really dealt with all of them. I’ve been pushing them down with Netflix and work. One problem I’m clear on is the fact that work is stressing me out. I see people doing the things they enjoy and I want that for myself. I do not enjoy being idle and I want to work for the kind of value I want attached to my name.
When I get so stressed, I tell myself I have something people pray to get. I find some type of way to encourage myself but to be honest, it’s difficult. There’s the obvious physical stress caused by Lagos traffic and the actual “work”. I could have it worse but that doesn’t stop me from being stressed.
Then there’s the emotional stress that has me by the throat and legs. There was a week at work where I went to the toilet to cry like three times. I’m so damn close to having my own YouTube channel because I have stories to tell. Like almost all graduates in Nigeria, I didn’t get a job related to my course of study.
For a job I had little or no experience in, I feel like I’m putting in a lot of effort. I just want a little bit more credit for the things I do. I’d really like to feel like I’m doing something.
One of my favorite articles that I’ve written is the one about sexual harassment. These past few months, I’ve had to struggle with being my own person (moving out of my parent’s home even though they were against it), getting a job (that my parents were against), battling with toxic friends and being lonely, possibly being homeless and broke, my relationship, my faith, my health and being sane. These are the few things I can remember at the moment and maybe I’ll explain better in another post because we are at the end of this one. I’m struggling with all these and then I also have to deal with being harassed almost every day like it’s nothing.
I’ve been going through life for the past year trying to rise above this voice in my head that says “Why would anyone choose you? You’re not enough.” The voice just got stuck in my head after I heard it from someone I rate so highly. I have periods when all these don’t matter but recently it’s been really difficult to ignore.
I’m so glad I actually wrote this after about four attempts to write different things.
Ps: I put up a post last week that you missed. It’s very short and you can read it here.